eller

AAARGH. I just wanted chatgpt's help to structure a text. You know - what should be in the introduction, how long should each part be for easy reading, and so on. Unsurprisingly, I'm shit at this stuff, but usually, the AI is of great help - at least when it comes to nonfiction with clear structural requirements. (Letting the AI write texts is, of course, hopeless, so I won't even try. Letting the AI organize text structures before I just write stream-of-consciousness stuff, however? I mean, that could save me some headaches.) Trying to let it organize fiction, however? Wow. WOW. Today, I learned that chatgpt is really Very Fucking American.

Things I learned:
- The AI will not just try to reorganize the plot around an acceptable novella structure (which, after all, is what I asked it to do) but flag any character behavior for editing that does not conform to American cultural standards.
- The AI told me that my characters are too obsessed with honor and duty and I should consider editing that. I'm like... WAIT... I'm actually writing a Fantasy!Medieval!North!Germany setting. With Fantasy!Medieval!North!German characters with according cultural background and mindset. (Come on. It's fucking Germany. At least some of the characters take their oaths seriously...) Apparently, Germany written by a German is not acceptable by genre standards...
- The AI completely unasked (!) changed a scene description from a male character making tea for the group to a female character making the tea. Thanks for the casual sexism, I guess.
- The AI described a female character as "flirtatious". She's... not. She is, however, speaking to male characters. In, you know, plot-related ways. Apparently, that's yet another thing the AI can't handle. (Not a problem with the technology itself, I know, but definitely with the training dataset. WTF.)
- The AI completely unasked (!) tried to give a genderfluid character an issuefic subplot centered around Gender!Angst!American!Style. I mean, I onbviously don't expect an American piece of software to understand historical German ways of gender expression... which is why I didn't ask it to. This character has a perfectly acceptable subplot centered around military technology and espionage, and.no gender issues whatsoever, thanks.
- The AI really wants to change the magic system (which is, of course, North German as fuck, considering the setting) to something ripped off Tolkien.
- The AI is shit at interpreting character motivations in ways that are actually pretty hilarious.

Thanks for the non-help. -_-

So, if you ever thought historical dueling was all about "honor" and shit, think again... and maybe take a look at this extremely amusing 1611 German illustrated treatise on rapier fencing by Michael Hundt (yes, the guy was really called that and did not speak English so he would not have been bullied over it), who has some fascinating suggestions. We'll look at some pretty funny and (more or less... okay, hopefully less) relatable situations he describes! (I'm using my own translations and not the ones provided on that site.) None of this is supposed to be combat advice, or, worse, legal advice.

The first snippet I'm going to show here describes a somewhat unpleasant situation that's probably self-defense, unless the author himself started the fight. Context: Mike Hunt (:p) is talking about a hateful (that is, "real" and not regulated) fight that breaks out, and everyone is wearing different weapons, so there are no clear rules of engagement. Mike Hunt (:p) has, however, a good reason to assume his opponent is superior at whatever bladed weapon they are brandishing.

"
[...]und der eine hat nichts darinnen gelernet: So nemen E.G. an stat des Dolches ein kurz Rohr, allda wird sichs wol außweisen, was das beste bey der fache thut, oder nicht, Wo nich gleiche Wehren für dem Manne gebrauchet werden, denn in der noth muß man brauchen, was man erdencken kan [...]
"
([...]and one has learned nothing in it: so Y.G. take instead of the dagger a short barreled weapon, and it will become clear what works best in that case, or no, where not same defenses are used by men, because in an emergency one must use whatever one can think of)

Very pragmatic, that. "Just shoot him if you know you can't beat him in a bladed fight" is such a charming and down-to-earth approach to the problem! Not necessarily one the guys who obsessed over honor would approve of... but I think that shit is typically reeeeallly exaggerated in "historical" and fantasy novels, and most real people also would have chosen survival.

Generally, many situations Mike Hunt (:p) describes are much closer to self-defense than what today's writers understand as a "duel".

"
Es kömpt bisweilen, das einer bey der Nacht von etlichen angegriffen wird, es sey wo es wolle, bißweilen von vier auch von fünf oder mehr Personen, und wird mancher also uberfallen, daß es ihme sein Leib und Leben kostet, und forderlich, wenn einer sich bey der Nacht wil auff die Bulschafft begeben, do offt ein ander ihme auff den Dienst wartet, wie es denn wol bißweilen kommen kan, so thunn E.G. ein ding, und verwaren sich mit einem guten Rappier. Werden aber E.G. im heimgehen uberfallen, von den ganzen Hauffen der Feinde, so nemen E.G. das Rappier zu beyden Feusten, und schiessen es nach dem nazen hauffen, und sehen hernach, wo E.G. weiter können schuz erlangen, Denn nith bricht bißweilen Eysen, ehe man das Leben dahin giebet.
"
(It sometimes happens that one is attacked at night by several, no matter where, occasionally by four or five or more persons, and some people are ambushed in a way that costs them body and life, so if you are out at night in order to have an affair, and someone else is lying in wait for him as can happen sometimes, so do a thing and defend yourself with a good rapier. But if Y.G. is attacked while going home, by the whole group of enemies, you Y.G. take the rapier in both fists, throw it into the whole group, and afterwards see about getting safety. Because sometimes necessity breaks iron before you give life away.)

Yep. If you're ever attacked by a group of thugs while you just wanted to go and, uh... Look, this is reeeeaaally ambiguously phrased, and unless I'm very wrong about this man's mindset, this is entirely intentional. He's either out at night to visit a lover or to have intercourse in public. (With this guy, it's probably the latter, but there's just enough plausible deniability.) Either way, he's describing something that's clearly a genuine self-defense situation. "Throw your rapier at them and run" sounds like excellent advice when faced with multiple attackers, too.

Some other situations are just what you'd expect in a modern German bar fight. (Some things never change.) Mike Hunt (:p) is, of course, perfectly aware of the oldest trick in the book!

"
Wollen E.Gn. einem ein bossen reissen, es sey im fechten oder im balgen, im Dolch unnd Rappier zugleich, so brauchen E.G. nicht mehr, als diese wort, ich balge mich nicht mit ihr zweyten, sondern mur mit einem, und sich der wil umbsehen, so kömpt er zu kurz, und können ihn E.Gn. durch und durch stossen, auch ihn um hawen verleßen, wenn er nicht recht ist vor der Thür gewesen, und heisset recht: Biete dinem Feinde das Gesichte, trawe ihme nicht zu viel, das heist recht verführet, im fechten und im balgen, man kan es auch aunem aus kurzweile thun, wann E.G. lust zu einem haben im fechten, aber un der noth und in grossen unfällen ist dieses stück auch gut zugebrauchen.
"
(If Y.G. wishes to trick someone, whether it's in fencing or in grappling, same for dagger or rapier, so Y.G. does not need more than this word, "I will not fight you two but only one", and he wants to turn and look, so he comes up short and Y.G. can stab him through and through, or strike him down when he was not right at the door, and it is said correctly: "Face the enemy, don't trust him too much", this is a proper deception both in fencing and in grappling, you can also do it for fun if you are yearning for a fight, but in trouble and great emergencies this piece is also useful.)

If you now suspect that Mike Hunt (:p), who apparently not only stabbed people from behind for fun (let's be clear: that's not self-defense, that's just murder), but actually thought to publish the suggestion in an instruction manual (I think this, at least, is really just German humor and not a genuine suggestion... look, one can hope, right?), was generally not necessarily the most law-abiding guy ever...

"
Sehen E.G. daß einer mit einem Flegel bey der Nacht zu ir kömpt, vö wil nach E.G. schlagen (wie es denn bißweilen der gebrauch ist auff Universiteten, wenn man von Tische gehen, und von der Wache wird angegriffen, wenn offt einer etwas zuvor bey der Wache gethan hat, und ein anderer kömpt [...]
"
(If Y.G. sees that someone goes after you with a flail at night, and wants to hit Y.G. (as occasionally happens at universities, when you leave the table, and you are attacked by the guard, because often one has previously done something to the guard, and another comes [...])

...you might be correct. The guy this just occasionally happened to is, however, an excellent resource, providing priceless advice. (The actual fencing advice is less interesting, though - looks solid as far as I can tell without ever having used a real rapier, no obvious nonsense like in some other pamphlets of the time - but you find the same information also in other old publications... And the illustrations are clearly more interested in fashion design than fencing, which makes the whole thing hilarious.) By the way, he's also describing the classic "brick in a sock" (well, a bag of stones, but same thing) as "sometimes superior to three or four bare rapiers". That bag of stones would not have shown up in a "honorable" duel, either, but Mike Hunt (:p) values practicality over formality. (The whole thing just screams North German, right? Well. Mike Hunt (:p) was from what's Saxony-Anhalt today.) Strong reading recommendation! :)

...or, sexist subtitle, "Why Men* Never Cut Bread Properly", because that's what it seems to amount to in real life. ;) Ahem. So, a few nights ago, I met up with some other ladies for drinks. Somehow, this turned into one of us complaining bitterly about how her husband keeps producing Catastrophic!Bread!Spirals when cutting bread. Two others also agreed that, yes, their respective men also produce spirals rather than proper bread slices and how annoying that is. Well. I'm into technology and into knives, so, of course, I immediately took out pen and paper and produced some shitty construction drawings to show why the issue really comes down to hand size...

*I hope it's obvious this is not really a gender issue. Just that, statistically, any technical problem that exclusively hits people with very large hands is going to affect significantly more men than women.

shitty construction drawing

In (1), you can see what cutting bread with an entirely straight bread knife should look like: In order to produce a clean cut, the knife is held completely horizontally, with all the teeth arriving down on the cutting board at the same time. At this point, if your hand is small enough and nothing else went catastrophically wrong, you should have produced a nice, regular slice of bread. (Because I was drunk while drawing, I'll provide translations. Tisch: table. Schneidbrett: cutting board. Brot: bread. Messer: knife. Kleine Hand: small hand. Also, no, this is not supposed to be an illustration of how to hold a bread knife... LOL)

But, oh noes, if the user's hand is too large, suddenly there's a problem! In (2), you can see that the fact that the fingers can't sink into the table surface causes the knife to be held at an angle! Under those circumstances, of course, there's an area of bread (marked orange) that's not going to be cut! And that's where the problem starts: the two main approaches to solve this are to either rip the underside of the bread (which results in really ugly slices for obvious reasons) or to rotate the bread. If you rotate the bread and your second cut does not perfectly align with the first (which it never does, not just because aligning two cuts perfectly always requires unusual levels of precision, but mainly because, hey, bread deforms when you suddenly exert pressure from a different direction, and while it's theoretically possible to correct for that, not everyone wants to fuck around with tensors during an otherwise uncomplicated kitchen task)? Catastrophic!Bread!Spirals are the logical result. Ladies, your men are neither malicious nor stupid, it's just that handing a completely straight bread knife without any kind of offset to a person with large hands is a shitty idea! (The same, of course, applies to any blade that's designed to arrive on the board surface completely horizontally. Like, also, absolutely anything with a sheepfoot blade...)

A possible solution is shown in (3): there are some bread knives with a bit of an offset that lowers the blade in relation to the handle, which means there's extra space for thicker fingers under the handle. (If you now immediately think "but this costs stability!, congratulations, you've been following my knife nerdery closely! Displacing the blade does cost stability. A knife like this will not withstand any hard impact. However, a bread knife is intended for cutting bread. If you are experiencing any kind of potentially blade-shattering impact on bread, there's most likely a bread malfunction... That is, unless you're the world's worst baker, or you intend to go into a knife fight with a bread knife - which I'd strongly advise against, even under the best of circumstances - this should never become an issue.) This extra space means that a person with large hands is now also able to hold the knife horizontally while cutting. YAY!

Other possible solutions to the problem, of course, include...
- using a thicker cutting board (which would also provide extra finger space, albeit in an impractical way... Generally, there's the recommendation your cutting board should be exactly as thick as your fingers* - not just for being able to place cuts in completely horizontal position at all, but also to provide a measure of when you've arrived on the board, with your fingers as the spacer, so you'll stop exerting pressure then, which protects your knives so you have to sharpen them less often - but at some point this becomes impractical as it results in very unwieldy cutting boards...)
- cutting at the edge of the table (which is going to be uncomfortable because you'll have to stand at an awkward angle or strain your shoulder, but, sure, this also provides extra finger space)
- cutting with reeeeaaally long arm motions (which is unergonomic as fuck, and you lose most of the advantage of that lovely serrated edge - as in, unless your knife is excellent, you're likely to shred the bread - so it only "works" in a very theoretical way but comes with other issues in practice)

*Yes, "a finger thick" as a measuring unit is not merely a historical relic; there are use cases when using your finger as a measuring unit actually fulfills an important practical purpose! Generally, when talking about tools, ergonomy, and so on, so much depends on an individual's hand that units like "a palm width" also have to be taken literally, and followed precisely, not as a guesstimate.

...but, really, it comes down to technology. I understand how painful it can be to watch Catastrophic!Bread!Spirals, but really, there's no need for a relationship conflict over this issue! (I simply got my boyfriend a bread knife he can actually use. It's now one of his favorite knives because, hey, if you like bread, the difference between being able to cut bread and not being able to cut bread really matters. Also, I guess it was a relief to learn that, nope, he's not that clumsy, he just had the wrong tool for the task.)

I'm also tagging this entry with Germany, because - obviously - this conversation scored very high on the VFGI (Very Fucking German Indeed) scale: People getting extremely emotional over bread - check. People getting extremely emotional over knives - check. Overly technical approach to, well, absolutely everything - check. Alcohol, alcohol, and more alcohol involved - check. The only reason this doesn't get a perfect score is that one of us arrived at the bar three minutes late.

Boyfriend and I are not really "celebrating" New Year's Eve with fireworks or anything, but we were making Raclette. That's a Swiss tradition and not a German one, technically speaking, but it's common enough in Germany that all the supermarkets have the special cheese as a seasonal product. (Also, it's popular as a party food because you can vary the ingredients so you can accomodate different dietary requirements at least to some extent.) Because I think some of you guys here are interested in food culture, I decided to document it this year with some pictures. :) So, uh, what is Raclette? Okay, so, first and foremost, Raclette is a type of cheese. The word, however, does not only refer to that cheese but also to... Okay, kind of difficult to explain, but I guess we'll need to look at this specific table grill thingy...

Raclette-Grill-kl

Obviously, on top of it, you grill stuff. This part is easy. We are simply talking about a thin metal sheet with a heating spiral below it. It gets hot when you switch the electricity on. You throw food on it.

The interesting part, however, which makes it a Raclette grill rather than a "normal" table grill is that you put these small triangular pans below the heating spiral, so anything in those pans is grilled from above. Look at this, I pulled one of the pans out:

Raclette-Pf-nnchen-kl

Basically, you put the stuff you want to eat in there, put cheese on it (Raclette cheese, obviously - hence the name of the whole dish. Yes, other cheese will work fine, it will just taste" wrong", that is, like a perfectly normal gratin. LOL) and push it under that lovely heating spiral.

The other ingredients are... extremely flexible. Basically, you can put in there whatever you want. It usually involves various vegetables. This is what we had today:

Raclette-Zutaten-kl

Those are...
- Red bell pepper. (Only I ate that.)
- Potatoes. (This is Germany, after all. Potatoes need to be added to absolutely every dish. It's a law. Or something.)
- Zucchini. (Because, if you bother to bring out that table grill, not having grilled zucchini is a fucking crime. Seriously. It's just soooo good.)
- Eggplant. (Ditto, though grilled eggplant only really works if you pre-treat the stuff with salt and lemon juice. Also, it always takes more oil than you think.)
- Champignons. (Yes, eating mushrooms while being North German is a cultural crime, but whatever. Sue me. Also, no worries, they are from a supermarket and should be safe to eat.)
- Red onions. (Boyfriend prefers those to the white and yellow ones; I'm entirely indifferent. That is, I like onions just fine, I just don't notice that much of a difference.)
- Beef. (We even put the raw meat on a separate plate and not on the board with the vegetables. Damaged by civilization...)
- Raclette cheese. (Because.)

Technically, the dish also involves bread, and we had bread, but I don't eat much cereal-based food (unless it's cake), so, Boyfriend ate most of that. (Cultural differences.)

Oh, and to be complete, those were the (somewhat nonclassical) spices we used:

Raclette-Gew-rze-kl

Those are:
- Pommessalz. (As required by law! XD Uhh. No. I mean, we're talking about a convenience mix of mostly salt and paprika that's typically put on fries but will work in any food with potatoes... Which is almost every German food... Which is why you'll find this type of mix in almost every German kitchen. It's the quintessential spice that screams "lower-class German" - of course, people will never admit in polite company that they use the stuff. You know the deal. It's the kind of class disqualifier like... uh... I guess the American equivalent of being "very classy" would be the bottle of ketchup to complete that nice, upscale meal?!? Of course, we totally didn't eat that, we only put it on the table for, uhhh, decorative purposes! Also, of course, it tastes really fucking awesome.)
- Black (fermented) garlic. (Totally nonclassical in this context, and this is the first time we had the stuff. It tastes really good, but adding it to a Raclette was maybe not the best idea because it seems to lose some flavor when heated. Oh well, live and learn.)
- Granulated pepper. (This is classical.)
- Hibiscus salt. (That is, a mix of salt and powdered hibiscus flower. Again, something we had for the first time. That is, I had it in my Advent calendar. It turned out to be really tasty, though! Boyfriend and I both really loved the stuff! It's very intense and kind of fruity, which worked really well with the meat.)
- Plum-Chili-Sauce. (Okay, this one is weird. Theoretically speaking, plum-based sauces for meat dishes are classical - in the sense of "archaic", really - in many parts of Germany. Chili is... NOT. XD So, this is a modern variation on something very, very traditional. I found it because a lady in the supermarket was filling her basket with, like, seven or eight jars (!) of the stuff and told me it's "the best thing ever for Raclette". I'm glad to confirm it's really very, very good. I suspect it's even going to work in a traditional roast dish. Will definitely buy again.)
- "Raclette spice mix". (Again, super weird, because afaik there is no classical "Raclette spice mix", so it absolutely has to be a modern invention. I bought that mainly because I saw it in the supermarket and went "WTF???", and obviously, I tend to buy anything that looks weird enough. The ingredients say it's composed specifically for cheese-based dishes and it consists mainly of pepper, nutmeg, onion powder, garlic powder, smoked paprika, parsley, salt and sugar. Somewhat surprisingly, turns out this really works well with grilled vegetables and cheese, so, its existence can be justified.)

At midnight, we'll have some sparkly wine. Until then, we are having a nice, relaxed evening. :)

A few days ago, I got this set of ten lovely handmade watercolor dots (second picture in that post) from Nil - of course, I immediately had to try them out! So, yesterday, I used a watercolor sketchbook (near A5 size) that was a gift from Glitzermond (and, for that matter, fineliners I got from Risto) for the very pragmatic reason that it has a plastic folder in the back where I can safely store the dot card with the paints.

So, uh, this is a place in Hamburg, near Beim Schlump. Not one of the important sights, merely one of the old pretty houses - some of those are left. What else was I going to do with an earth tone palette but paint some yellow and red clinker, right? XDD

2024-04-Beim-Schlump-kl

Okay, okay, I never draw architecture, and there's a reason for that. F*ck perspective, f*ck straight lines... XD But, I mean, it was fun. It's very different from what I usually do, and I typically don't use colors that are not psychedelic levels of bright, either. It was an interesting experience (and everything shimmers, because clearly, the world needs glittering earth tones.) The paints are actually very good, it's just that I'm not used to these pigments.

...because I needed to do something with that PV15 (a color I don't use very often), and not many flowers come in this muted pink color. In German, this plant is called 'Nieswurz' (sneeze root) because powder made from the subterranen parts of the plant makes people sneeze. With words like this, I always wonder who the f*ck tried that for the first time. It's all for the science?!?

Materials I used:
Stillman&Birn Zeta Series sketchbook (270 g/m²)
Watercolors: Turner Permanent Lemon (PY109), Mijello Bamboo Green (PG36), QoR Ultramarine Pink (PV15), ShinHan PWC Cerulean Blue (PB35), Rembrandt Spinel Grey (PBk26)
White gel pen (Pentel)

North Germany's weirdest invasive species. Bremen has the world's largest rhododendron collection, which is a quite fascinating scientific project (it's not just a very pretty garden - though it is - but also a gene bank and everything, so, the 3000 species of rhododendron are not purely there for decorative reasons) but does horrible things to the local ecosystem. When I was a kid, people were like, "oh, we'll plant rhododendron because the bugs won't eat it". This used to be correct, except these days, we don't just get all the invasive bugs that come with what's essentially a monoculture of invasive bushes, but also, some local bug species have evolved to eat rhododendron. I've seen a maybug eat a rhododendron leaf, and you have no idea how weird that is! (Evolution in progress, I suppose.) Anyway, whatever I may think about the ecological impact of this weird gardening project, the view in spring is spectacular. They also have other plants (including some really fascinating ones) and I enjoy going there with my sketchbook and colors! So, uh, have some rhododendron...

...I have to admit I have no idea which of the 3000 species it is. Theoretically, all their plants are properly labeled, so, the bush should have had a tag somewhere with its name, except of course it was not visible because all those leaves get in the way. Some Rhododendron it is. ;)

Materials I used:
Stillman&Birn Zeta Series sketchbook (270 g/m²)
Watercolors: Turner Permanent Lemon (PY109), ROSA Gallery Magenta Rose (PR122), Mijello Bamboo Green (PG36), Daniel Smith Jadeite Genuine, Holbein Shadow Green (PBk31)
White gel pen (Pentel)

Today's shitty knife is an authentic example of North German knife culture (which deserves the name 'culture' about as much as bacteria in a fucking yogurt). Of course, the typical North German 'working knife' is rather flexible in shape and material. Being able to make your own knives is considered a source of pride and joy. (Historically, it also used to be way to save money, because hey, large regions of Northern Germany are traditionally dirt poor. These days, it's mostly hobby, tradition, and a nice way to pass the time.)

( People like to improvise. )

According to archaeology, everything has "religious reasons" anyway - but, this time, I'm going to review a shitty knife that really has a folk magic background. That's... not entirely uncommon in Northern Europe, and in many cultures you will find folk beliefs around knives, as well as dual-use knives with worldly purposes as well as an inbuilt anti-evil-spirit function. They're actually kind of hard to avoid unless you stick to the factory-made stuff. (Most knifemakers take pride in making knives that keep their customers safe, and in many European cultures this can include spiritual protection. I'm on the team of: that's nice, I appreciate the thought, as long as it doesn't interfere with the worldly stuff I want the knife for.)

This, uh, fascinating pocketknife is from Bavaria (Southern Germany), made by a lady with a Bavarian name, using Bavarian magic symbolism, and sold with a product description that explicitly listed "protection from evil" - so, Bavarian magic knife, yay! (I'm not a Bavarian, but I know enough about that culture to recognize some of their folk magic elements. Also: they're not what makes it a shitty knife.)

A note about cultural sensitivity: I will be mocking this knife-shaped object quite mercilessly, but not because it works on local Bavarian evil spirits. I'm mocking it because it works on nothing but local Bavarian evil spirits (and maybe some very soft cheese).

( Let's take a look! )

It's just shitty work. The design? Shitty. The execution of said design? Shitty. The useability? Shitty. (And downright dangerous.) This definitely qualifies as a shitty knife all around (except maybe for the magic). I love it.

And I hope you're all having a great time, whether you're celebrating the solstice or not! (Or celebrating winter solstice today. Whatever. I am, of course, going to celebrate Solstice and Saint John's; never ignore a good reason to party!) If the weather stays as it is right now, there's going to be a nice fire later. If not... The last few days saw a few thunderstorms, so, hope tonight stays dry.

Another postcard for Postcrossing. This time, I decided to combine watercolor and papercutting. The person this card is for is another North German and loves the North Sea coast in particular. I am, of course, always happy to help out with North German nature... Comfort zone. LOL.

North-Sea

The seagulls and the island with the lighthouse are cut from cheap white note paper and pasted on a watercolor background, Winsor&Newton Payne's Grey on Vaessen Florence Texture White watercolor paper in A6 (postcard size).

I'm actually quite happy with this one - in hindsight, I'd change a few things about the composition, and also, give the birds more detail, so maybe there's going to be a remake of this one in the future. Possibly also with a nicer seascape... And better papercutting paper that doesn't deform... (Initially, that lighthouse was more or less straight!) Yeah, many things went wrong here, because I didn't want to spend hours on this piece, but all that can be fixed in a remake. The overall concept is fine as far as I'm concerned.

Guys, if you're thinking that by 'Easter fire' I'm talking about the lovely Pagan tradition, you're wrong. We did not go to the Easter fires last night though I'm sure there were plenty along the riverbanks. Rather, there is a fire in some warehouses, and the city is under a dome of toxic smoke. When we woke up this morning, we were surprised there were no church bell sounds whatsoever, which was a huge surprise - usually, on Easter, all the bells are ringing, and I mean, Hamburg has many old churches with bell towers. We wondered what was going on. Oh, yeah, there's a disaster warning. Citizens are supposed to stay at home keep their doors and windows closed and switch off any ventilation systems, and if even the Christians (who were all for keeping church events open during the pandemic because the lockdowns "interfered with their religious freedom"; I still wonder how many elderly people they killed with that) collectively support that message and cancel their Easter services, I guess shit is serious.

Meanwhile, I was displaying the most important virtue of the good German lady: simulate normalcy while the world is burning. I was planning to bake today, so, I baked!

Osterkranz-kl

That's a traditional Easter wreath, in case you were wondering - it consists of a slightly sweetened yeast dough with milk. I used this recipe with some slight alterations. First, I halved the amount of all ingredients, because this thing needs to be eaten today (not just because of tradition but also because tomorrow it will be dry) and also, a larger one would likely not have fit in the oven. Then, the ratio of ingredients (250g flour, 125ml milk, 40g sugar, 40g butter) resulted in something that was too wet to shape properly, so I had to add a bit more flour. Oh, and I used dry yeast. By the way, the recipe's suggestion to use lemon peel in the dough is decidedly nonclassical but I went with it, and I mean, it works! (I deviated further and used a frosting made of powdered sugar and limoncello; might as well amplify the theme...) I'm kind of appalled by the idea to use extra eggs as 'placeholder' for the easter eggs while baking, as they did in that recipe, though. Wouldn't have done that even before eggs began to cost their weight in gold. It's a waste of food (I mean, you can't eat them after more than half an hour in the oven), so I simply left more space between the strands. The easter eggs I painted last night are held in place by the frosting anyway! That being said, the result tastes good, so, the recipe isn't bad, it just needed some adjustments.

Now, I'm watching the chess world championship (GM Ding Liren vs. GM Ian Nepomniachtchi) livestream. Today's the first game, and while I missed the beginning and joined in the middle of the game, it's very interesting! They're both players with very entertaining styles, so I'm very happy it turned out to be these two playing a world championship match! Also, the commenters on chess24 (GM Daniel Naroditsky and GM Anish Giri) are doing a great job. (It's a fascinating pawn endgame with knights and bishops, and without commentary by these top players I'd have no idea what's going on!)

EDIT: Ah, it's a draw now.
EDIT2: The fire seems to be under control now. I think I'll wait with opening the window, though.

I just noticed it's been two years since my last Nibelungenlied post, which provided a translation of Kriemhild's introduction to the poem's audience. Whoopsie! Of course, the poem goes on... And you can happily ignore this if you're not into snarky Middle High German poetry. However, you know I'm a fan. XD

Anyway: we've just met Kriemhild, who's been introduced in a heavily sarcastic way using a clusterf*ck of passive verb forms that are not typical for the language, and which serve to veil the fact that Kriemhild is - of course - very very active. No one in the 1200s expected that of a heroine, but we'll need to remember that this poem was not a new story but rather a retelling (with some changes) of Norse mythology. Some people in the audience knew what to expect and would have gotten a good laugh at the way her introduction was phrased.

Now that Kriemhild has been established as the main protagonist, the poem introduces her brothers in a similarly nasty (or even nastier?) way.

Ir pflagen dri kunige edel unde rich, - Three kings, noble and mighty, took care of her:
Gunther unde Gernot, die recken lobelich, - Gunther and Gernot, the laudable warriors,
und Giselher der junge, ein ûz erwelter degen. - and Giselher the young, a distinguished knight.
diu frouwe was ir swester. die fürsten hetens in ir pflegen. - The lady was their sister. The lords had her in their care.

Oooooookay. On the surface, it all sounds normal enough: in the absence of a father (which is not discussed here, but implied), an unmarried young noblewoman may well have been the ward of her brothers. However, the details here are quite explosive.

'dri kunige': NO NO NOOOO you don't have three kings. Technically, only one guy (here: Gunther) is king and would have outranked his brothers! Introducing these three as done here already implies (which is, of course, confirmed later) Gunther is a weak king who doesn't control his subordinates the way he's supposed to. In short: this is a constellation that can ~~and will~~ blow up a whole court. It's a disaster waiting to happen.

'edel unde rich': Oh, LOL!!!! This is one of my favorite puns in the whole poem! The most obvious translation (which, I think, most professional translators went for) is 'noble and mighty'. Neither is unexpected for a king and his brothers. It's, basically, a trope - and also appears in other medieval poems. However, if we pronounce 'rich' slighty differently - only the tiniest bit - it can also be a form of the verb 'taking revenge' (though it would be an unusual choice of word form indeed, but, hey). Oh. WAIT. Was there something?!? This needs to be translated very carefully... Actually, each of the words in this little, brilliant construct, has (at least) two possible meanings! 'edel' usually means 'noble' (which is the expected meaning when talking about, well, noblemen), but is also (rarely... VERY rarely) used as an amplifier - something like 'especially' or 'the greatest'. (There's a similar use in Low Saxon.) 'unde' means 'and', but also the preposition 'under' (including in the figurative sense, like in 'under siege'). and 'rich'... Well, I already explained that. So, the phrase COULD be translated as 'under the greatest (kind of) revenge'. Is this a bit of a spoiler? Yes. Yes, it is. Also, I firmly believe every listener who knew the Norse stories would have cracked up right here... And the rest of the audience would have had no idea why these people were laughing. (It's a weird construct, grammatically very unlikely, and basically, you only find this meaning if you already know what to look for. However, given the nature of the text, I'm sure Unknown Author was aware of it. Unknown Author was good with nasty puns, generally speaking. This isn't an accident.)

'pflagen' and 'in ir pflegen': Sarcastic overemphasis by using the same word twice, once as a verb and once and a noun... Of course, the ~~three kings~~ one king and two disrespectful brothers are doing a shitty job taking care of Kriemhild. (They conspire to murder her husband and steal her gold. I mean, how could it get any worse? Oh, yeah, Gunther slept with her husband in a super weird kinky threesome before deciding to have him killed. THAT'S how it can get even worse. What a family!) Anyway, I'm quite sure the repetition is intentional. Unknown Author was trying to make a point.

Yeah... FUN!

You've got to love Nazi propaganda. That is... Uh, no, you obviously don't - but, you simply have to see this. And enjoy. XDD

For context: I think I've mentioned the AfD, Germany's ~~Nazi~~ party that very firmly claims to be merely "conservative", whatever that's supposed to mean, before. (Like, here or here.) Now, before the elections in Lower Saxony, they decided to hand out gummy candy to potential voters. Not the worst decision for the campaign: clearly, German voters don't care about politics, they just elect the one who gives them candy. (Hey, it explains a lot.) And, how that candy turned out... :D :D :D

...well, I think it was supposed to represent the red arrow in the party logo. What else could it be? Huh?

Uh. No, not even the AfD politicians are happy, exactly. Not even in the any-publicity-is-good-publicity way. I think people are going to pay collector's prices for these particular Nazi memorabilia very soon, though! I mean - I love them... Too bad I wasn't hanging out anywhere near any AfD campaign events.

Sooooo I have some new ATCs! These were for a forum game / swap thingy: someone sent me an assortment of interesting stickers, and I had to create artist trading cards using at least three of those on each.

Here's an overview of the stickers I received:

Sticker-verwendet

And this is what became of them:

Lagerfeuer-kl

Since I had a pretty old-fashioned castle and a campfire among my stickers, I wanted to create a scene with a touch of fantasy. The third sticker used to be a green patterned whale (WHY??? Who designs these stickers?!?), but I cut it up and made it the lady's skirt instead.
(Used stickers marked in orange on the overview sheet).

motten-kl

Here, I had several galaxy and star motifs as well as a lantern and a butterfly/moth (can't identify the species; don't care much)... It was immediately clear what I wanted to do with them! Okay, the galaxy washi tape has been mostly painted over, but, there are enough other stickers involved... It was fun to continue the sticker motifs as semlessly as possible!
(Used stickers marked in light blue on the overview sheet).

schmuck-der-meerjungfrau-kl

When in doubt, paint a mermaid! But I couldn't help it: the shiny gold fabric tape just lent itself to a scaly tail. And I could not NOT use the gemstone... I mean - PINK SPARKLE! XD
(Used stickers marked in pink on the overview sheet).

wolpertinger-und-eulen-kl

This one maybe requires an explanation: the Wolpertinger is a South German mythical animal. Bavarians encounter it all the time (at least after a few beers), but unfortunately, we don't have it in the north. XD And I had two purple owls, from different sticker sheets! I found that so weird (like: is there a huge market for purple owls?!?) that I had to make something with them right away. The large leaves in the HG were once a salad sticker... And the wings of the Wolpertinger are fluffy cotton stickers. :)
(Used stickers marked in light green on the overview sheet).

We're getting a thunderstorm! And, you know how I know this? I'm hearing the seagulls. They came inland. They only do that when a huge change in air pressure is coming. We don't usually get so many gulls in Hamburg, which may be surprising since Hamburg, after all, is a port city - but, we're far inland. Also, gulls attempting to eat fish from Hamburg's port would die from heavy metal poisoning sooner or later. Gulls are stupid, but not that stupid. They understand the difference between food and industrial waste. So, we don't have a large population of those. If the air is filled with SCREEEEECHHH? Yeah. Thunderstorm coming in. The weather model, of course, still predicts sunshine and a continuation of the current heatwave until at least tomorrow. But, I've found seagulls pretty reliable sources in the past... If they can be bothered to travel inland, they usually have a reason.

The scientific explanation I've read for this phenomenon is that gulls want to avoid being carried out to sea by the wind, but, I've always doubted that, for several reasons:
- Seagulls are pretty stupid (I think I've mentioned in a previous post that they're, basically, feeding machines), but, the North German coastline offers enough cruel and unusual geography to find shelter from a storm, in case a bird is looking for that in the first place.
- For that matter: being carried out to sea for a week or two won't kill a seagull. It's a sea bird. It only needs the coast for breeding ~~and for robbing tourists~~.
- The wind is usually coming from the sea. The only place it will carry a bird is... Yeah. Inland. Speaking as a scientist: dear fellow scientists, you should have been able to spot this... Really. This is not rocket science...
- Seagulls don't look for shelter. (Strategic retreat, what's that?!?) If anything, they'll attack those unfriendly clouds right back, or, at least, give them a warning screech or two! If they don't withdraw at that immediately, it'll be their own fault!

Having met some seagulls... My personal suspicion is a certain combination of laziness and greed on their part. Speaking as someone trying to put herself into the shoes of a seagull: whoopsies, bad weather for flying is coming. Fishing is bad with the sea misbehaving like this, too. I could take shelter now. If I do that, however, I won't be able to find any tasty food while this whatever thing is going on. That's bad! Better get in front of that thing, stay where I can fly and EAT EAT EAT!

M-we2kl

This is a bird I met last Sunday at the beach in Lübeck-Travemünde. This gull (a young one; not older than a year) was not screeching: the soundless open beak is Seagull Universal for 'put some food in there right now'. Also, it got very close, happily hopped around me, and even jumped on my outstretched legs when I was pretending to be asleep. (I wanted to see if it was going to go for my bag. Spoiler: YES. ~~Also, yes, I have thoroughly disinfected everything the bird came into contact with.~~) Not very afraid of humans - just, fortunately, (if only barely) wary enough not to actually directly attack me for my breadsticks. Still, I have no doubt that, if I'd been Some Hapless Tourist (TM), it would happily have let me hand-feed it. Definitely used to humans as a source of good stuff! (It's salivating, too...)

... Oh, by the way: at the time I'm finishing typing this up, it just started to rain. Hooray!

Seagulls 1 : 0 Weather Forecast

I appreciate the fact that these stupid birds are still smarter than the weather forecast. Speaking as a computational modeller, here: if that's all your model can do, please scrap the whole thing and start over... With a bird observation post. ~~Or, for that matter, with just occasionally opening your f*cking window, which is healthy practice even for programming nerds.~~

Seriously. The gulls saw this coming a few hours ago - at the very least! (If you're wondering about the technicalities of that now: a train takes about 45 minutes between this place and the nearest part of the coast. Gulls are fast - surprisingly so - but they won't overtake a train, not even with tailwind ~~and with the shoddy maintenance Deutsche Bahn is doing on the tracks~~. They're also not smart enough to just ride on the train roof. Crows and some exceptionally ~~lazy~~ bright pigeons can do that - there's enough technical stuff on a train roof to offer safe places to hide from the traveling wind - gulls can't. Have I mentioned how gulls are stupid? Anyway, my best guess is, it'll take at least two hours of high-speed gull flight.)

EDIT: Just to be thorough, I'm also adding a picture of a grown-up gull.

M-we3detkl

Cute, huh? (Hint: this one is in a wary stance, like, it's pondering, 'can I just dive on that picnic blanket or is this camera thing in the human's hand dangerous?' It's pretending very hard not to pay attention to me at all, but, it's clearly keeping track of the potential food source very closely while walking around me in large circles. ~~It's also not very good at deception, but hey, seagulls really are remarkably stupid.~~ Spent almost twenty minutes not-watching me until it realized that, nope, no feeding is happening there!)

My scheitholt arrived - and it's truly deserving of its name! Isn't this a lovely log of firewood?

Scheitholt01-kl

I mean - whatever else can be said about this instrument, it's certainly authentic. A true masterpiece of Nether-Saxon craftsmanship! It's from Bassum, where someone found it in an attic and, incomprehensibly, decided they didn't want to keep it. If you ask me, that's a shame: at the very least, it's culturally valuable, and I'd view it as a true tragedy if it were ripped out of its context! I mean, that's clearly a family-heirloom level instrument, hand-crafted, hand-painted, and everything! Who the heck wouldn't want this???

The wood and all the other materials were carefully chosen for their acoustic proper... oh, JUST KIDDING.

( More pictures and explanations behind the cut. )

Anyway: I LOVE this instrument! I'm sooooo happy that I have it! :D

(I suppose the surprising thing is that it actually sounds good. But, hey, the design has been around virtually unchanged since at least the 1400's, without anyone feeling the need to do anything about it, so... Success!)

Ehhh. When I bought this one, I thought, okay, the design is some fake Jugendstil (art nouveau) thing?!? But, turns out, it may actually be the real deal. I couldn't find a date on the instrument, but I found the same model here, and the seller of that piece claims it's from around 1900, which would actually be the correct period for this art style.

Valsonora-zither-kl

Personal opinion: the design is very pretty, but, uh, I wouldn't put peacocks on a musical instrument. If you've ever heard a peacock, you'll know what I mean. This is a really stupid idea.

Valsonora-zither-detail-kl

Gorgeous, though. XD

And it's a great instrument, too. Of all the zithers I've ever played on, this has to be the best! Despite the age, there's no warping at all, nothing rattles, no rust anywhere... This is like new, which means, it has been stored well! Also, the sound is very rich. It's AWESOME!!! I mean, this is a seriously good instrument. Almost too good for a chord zither. Also, it's a 5/21, which is exactly the thing I wanted. I'm very happy now!!!

This "Fomen" 5/21 chord zither is, if I have to guess, from the '50s, maybe?!?

Zither-Fomen-kl

The design is inoffensive, but, as far as I can tell, meaningless - it's some flower thingy I can't identify. (Most likely, the designer tried to do something in the style of older zithers, but without having a solid grounding in folklore and folk art. Ah, city people... LOL. Anyway: Some Flower Thingy it is.)

This instrument needs some repairs, the lower part came a bit loose and rattles - I can fix that, it's just mildly annoying. (Also, the instrument was sold as decoration-only, so I can't really complain.) Otherwise, it's in okayish shape. Sounds a bit thin, but clear, which will make it an excellent practice instrument once it's fixed. (It's quiet enough, so it won't disturb the neighbors! Important consideration! LOL)

I wanted this one because it has the tuning I need! 10 tones per octave, which is how it's supposed to be! XD Like... No, okay, I know almost everyone considers this scale obsolete - but, I mean, it's the most useful for German folk music. And also, this is how I learned it. There's nothing wrong with chromatic-scale instruments, I just prefer this tuning...

Okay, guys, this one is weird.

Zither-Seerosen-kl

It's a good instrument, no doubt. I will have to wait with tuning (for the same reason as mentioned in the previous post), but it's already obvious that this is an excellent chord zither. Nice, clear, and loud! :) I wasn't able to find out when the instrument was made, but, eh, it's seriously good. In good shape, too - just dirty, some superficial scratches, but not seriously damaged. (One string is missing, but I can replace that.) It's a 6-chord 'mandolin zither' (that is, the melody strings are doubled) with chromatic tuning - absolutely not what I'm used to, but, okay.

But... who the heck designed that?!?!?

Zither-Seerosen-Detail-kl

This has to be the least appropriate zither art I've ever seen... Actually, that's the reason I bought this thing: exactly my kind of humor... (I burst out laughing when I saw it!) But there's no real doubt the design is also the reason this instrument was dirt cheap: the target group is... Uh, close to nonexistent. For several reasons:

a) Naked lady. German folk art -> nudity -> no-no. This is not an instrument you could display to guests in the living-room of your traditional-style household... (Even less so at the time this was built, actually.)
b) Naked lady on a product for an almost exclusively female target group (men don't play the chord zither! XD), which kind of limits the target group further.
c) Grossly inappropriate symbolism. Like... Water lilies, in German folklore, symbolize death by drowning. So, for that matter, do mermaids. Who on earth thought a death-by-drowning-themed instrument was a great idea?!?

Anyway... I think the design is brilliant in its weirdness, and of course I simply had to have this one! :D

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Entries tagged with germany

The trouble with AI

Quote(s) of the Day - Good Advice from 1611 North Germany

The Geometry of Cutting Bread...

Raclette on New Year's Eve!

Hamburg sketch

Hellebore

Rhododendron

Reviews of Shitty Knives VI - North German Improvisation

Reviews of Shitty Knives II - Bavarian Magic Pocketknife

Happy Summer Solstice! :)

North Sea

Easter fire... and Easter baking.

Nibelungenlied: Introduction Kriemhild's Brothers

BWAHAHA! Propaganda, How Not To

ATCs with stickers

Seagulls and thunderstorms

Scheitholt

Jugendstil zither?!?

Fomen zither

Inappropriate Zither Design